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The Most Accurate Apple iPhone Review To Date From Maddox


Posted by Artem Russakovskii on July 17th, 2007 in Humor, Technology

The iPhone is a piece of shit, and so is your face.

By Maddox

No, I'm not going to get an iPhone, quit emailing me about it. I'm not getting one because I already have a phone that's better: it's called the Nokia E70, it's the pinnacle of human achievement, and I love it more than my family:


You've probably never heard of the E70 because Nokia's marketing team is busy finding every last dick in the universe to suck, so I'm going to do their job for them and tell you about this product. And no, I'm not being paid to do this. I'm just tired of the iPhone fanboys shooting huge sticky wads and high-fiving each other (literally) over their stupid cellphones.

First of all, the E70 has a full keyboard, not some shitty stripped down, tap-and-pray smudgy piece of shit. Nokia uses a technology that's even more advanced than the iPhone's tap screen, allowing you to actually feel the keys you press as you're pressing them! The technology is called "tactile response," and it allows you to do things like dial a phone number without staring at your screen like a shit-chucking ape. In fact, every other cellphone ever made has this technology, sometimes called "buttons."

People act like the iPhone's touch keyboard is so innovative, but ATMs have been annoying us with unresponsive, smudged, shitty touch screens for years before Apple.



This keyboard will not only stomp your colon, but the colons of distant relatives of the human species such as lagomorphs, and hypothetical colons of children you haven't even had yet. Want to type a backslash? No problem. Ampersand? You bet your ass. On an iPhone, you have to press an additional button that opens up an alternate keypad that will allow you to type numbers and punctuation. So typing something as simple as elipses (…) requires you to tap your finger 9 times. Enjoy your phone, losers! People like me who have shit to do will stick to a keyboard that doesn't have its lips wrapped firmly to the user-interface equivalent of a throbbing dong:

Shitty.

When the iPhone was first announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to cover a football field full of babies 3 feet deep in bullshit, which sounds cool because he could have potentially murdered a football field full of babies, but he passed on this opportunity by introducing the phone instead. He claimed that the phone was three devices in one: an iPod, a phone, and an "Internet communications device." Oooh, an Internet communications device?! AWESOME!

…Finish the story here.

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Artem Russakovskii is a San Francisco programmer, blogger, and future millionaire (that last part is in the works). Follow Artem on Twitter (@ArtemR) or subscribe to the RSS feed.

In the meantime, if you found this article useful, feel free to buy me a cup of coffee below.



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  • Free iPod Games

    "I already have a phone that's better: it's called the Nokia E70"…I completely disagree, the iPhone is definitely better.

  • 0845 Numbers

    Anyone who knows what they're doing with an iPhone can get it to do ALL of those things you mentioned 'E70 can do better.'

    Oh and your chart? It can do ALL of those things too.

    The reason why everyone knows about iPhone and not about E70 is because the iPhone is better. I've had a Nokia (think it was N82?) and it was the worst thing I ever bought.

  • http://beerpla.net Artem Russakovskii

    @0848 Numbers
    This review is quite old and everything has changed since then. The humor was priceless though at the time.

  • iPhone 3

    iphone is the best phone ever :p