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I saw this joke posted on the Internet and decided to keep it for future reference. But… is it even a joke? I don't think so! It's the goddamn truth.

What a woman says, what she really means…

I need = I want
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later <--- this is so true!
We need to talk = I need to complain (Anyone who has seen the movie, Breakin’ All the Rules(Jamie Foxx , 2004)must remember We need to talk = Break up)
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS (PMS = Premenstrual Syndrome)
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. (This usually means you have to wait longer enough, so be patient)
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!

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Artem Russakovskii is a San Francisco programmer, blogger, and future millionaire (that last part is in the works). Follow Artem on Twitter (@ArtemR) or subscribe to the RSS feed.

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  • sally

    I'm not sure I've ever seen a more true blog post….ever! LOL!

  • annie

    Pretty funny, but perhaps it's the women you are choosing, and not women in general; like women who believe all men are chauvanist pigs. It's not all men, just the ones they choose to be with.

    • Jackster

      DONT FUCKING RUIN THE JOKE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

      • annie

        go have a beer and calm down. Either that or hurry up and have your heart attack. Misogyny and misanthropy are not cool!

      • annie

        love is better than hate. mean words only mean that you don't know how to say what you really feel.

        • hugo

          i wish all woman were like you!

        • Doug

          Annie,

          I believe you have more to say. Please say it. Jackster is either impatient or just angry in general. Maybe Jackster was for a moment, exonerated, liberated and justified by his past failures with women after reading this "guy oriented" blog.

          Your comment, obviously, ruined the buzz he was experiencing as you reminded him of his lack of autonomy and control in his opposite sex relationships. Jackster will ultimately be alone or with a woman he cannot control. That is an inevitable fact.

          You, seem to have had some frustration in the past as a result of your male encounters. However, it looks as though you have chosen to learn from that and as a result are very in touch with your innerself and are confident with your point of view.

          However, even though you have that self confidence, which may be artificially anchored by a monogomistic relationship, you still feel alone deep down. This is because you have not met your destiny in a relationship with the opposite sex. Yes, you may be with someone. But you haven't encountered "the one".

          The reason I can say this is that you have condemned Jackster for expressing his subsurface feelings which stem from his past frustrations with women. A person should not be condemned for expressing themselves in an open forum blog. Expressing oneself in a safe place has proven to be clinically beneficial in moving forward towards more healthy feelings.

          Perhaps a more gental response about Jackster's post would have been " I understand how you feel " and " I'm sorry if you've been mistreated in your past by someone you trusted your feelings with". After validating Jackster's feelings, the door may be open to the suggestion that the right woman is out there for him and then wish him well with his journey towards that goal.

          Labeling Jackster with a critical heart only justifies what he is saying about women. Which, could be "uncool" as well. Perhaps there is some misandry coming from your subsurface feelings as a result of your past with men. Just a thought…

          In any event, I believe you have more to say and would like to see what that is. Because of the anonymity of this blog, it would be nice to hear what your story is all about. I can't speak for the others, but I will be careful in how I respond if you choose to be honest.

          Looking forward to it. ~ Doug

          • libra dude

            he's right though
            y'all are ruining the joke

          • aj

            doug just sleep with her already and shut up!

  • Fiona

    It's just a joke guys… (with a lot of truth) don't be so serious about it.

  • Andrea

    Right. It's just a joke. Although I have to admit that I found myself back in some phrases.
    "You have to learn to communicate" is a sentence that sounds so familiar. So does "whatever" LOL

  • Sherri

    I'm a woman and I agree with every single one of these. You might also want to add:
    "Isn't she pretty?" = Tell me I'm more beautiful.

  • Kelly

    Oh sherri ! i love that one and it's sooo true !! this is pretty funny for me almost everyone is dead on ! I'm gonna print it out and show my husband ! too funny ! thanks for sharing :)

  • alanna

    here's more additional hints:

    "nothing"
    something is wrong

    "im fine"
    im not fine

    "leave me alone"
    come after me and cuddle me

    "its okay"
    its not ok at all

    "i hate you"
    i love you but you dont see that

    "its not you,its me"
    yes, its you, i dont like you anymore

    if a girl suddenly becomes quiet or is silent, its dangerous!
    a. over thinking
    b. about to blow up
    c. upset / mad /angry
    d. crying inside / sad
    e. all of the above!

    *im a girl! ^_^

  • Karina

    What she says: Yes.
    What she means: Snape kills Dumbledore.

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